I like to keep my blog all happy-sunshine. I’m sure you, as a reader realize that reading a blog you only get part the blogger’s life… bits and pieces… mostly the good bits. You see what I choose to reveal. I give you my funny, my smiles, my joy, even my weird. I usually hold back my sadness, my depression, my anxiety, my blah. Those are mine. I don’t like to share. Why don’t I share? Well, happy, fun Leetra is more happy and fun. Easier to like. Also I fear talking about depression will look like a cry for help… a plea for sympathy. I don’t need help or sympathy (you know, because I am perfect). And that leads right into the main reason: Pride… because as I mentioned I am perfect. You do not need to read about imperfections (as I have none of course).
What if I told you, Sometimes I feel like this?
Hmmm… Maybe I should throw that flower on the ground and stomp on it until a few petals fall out, and then take the picture? Would that give a more accurate picture of the mess I can be? There are days where I don’t even want to get out of my ripped sweatpants and the T-shirt that could double as a tent, but feels like a security blanket… days where I cling to my coffee like my life depends on it.
Why am I choosing to share this messy unlikable part of me? It’s where I am right now, and what is on my mind. I just want to be open and honest. Writing can be therapeutic. More importantly, if you feel this way, I want you to know you are not alone. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after Isla was born. The second time around, it didn’t set in as fast. I really felt pretty great until I stopped breast feeding. Ever since that time, I’ve felt different… sad… useless… anxious. So anxious! I worry about things that will never happen (but in my mind they are real). I worry until it paralyzes me. Then I worry about my worrying. I feel hopeless. For me, it is not like this all the time. For some people it is. Sometimes I am very happy. I have ups and downs. Even throughout the course of a single day I can be a roller coaster.
Look at the whole picture:
I am not alone. I have so much to be thankful for. I know that. I love these cuddles even in my saddest moments. I am grateful for the life I have and the beautiful people in it. I focus on the good. I try. But the dark times are still dark.
I started thinking about all of this and the possibility of sharing it on my blog during my “Recovery Run” today. I have been lucky enough to have a running coach this month. The timing couldn’t be better. Scott Fishman helps runners achieve their running goals and personal bests. More importantly for me, his personalized training plan and coaching have kept me running on days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, much less leave the house. I always feel better after the run, and so very thankful I did it. I may not feel the same level of thankfulness for his prescribed “Rest Days” and “Recovery Runs.” Today is a recovery day, and that can be hard for me… 30 minutes and keep it slow. If I am going to run, I want to run fast and far and overdo it, and not care if I hurt myself, and keep running just like this run-on sentence, until I beat myself into the ground and run far from my emotions until I don’t feel angry or sad or anything but the endorphin boost… Okay I’ll stop. Slow down. Recover. It is part of the training plan. I am learning this.
It is also part of life. When life gets crazy, slow down. Take a rest day. Recover. I do not have to accomplish everything every day. Even as I write those words, I am thinking laundry, wash, dry, put away, pack, floors, vacuum, mop, work, paperwork, fax, clutter, mess, clean... Deep breath. The training plan is a good metaphor for life. You have to work hard to improve. You also have to slow down to take care of yourself. I have so much to learn.
No questions today, but if you struggle with any of these things, feel free to share. If I can help you or just talk to you, let me know. You can send me a private message if you don’t want to bare your soul for all to see.